When asked what self-love is - most of us explain what self-love isn't - it isn't being harsh to yourself, criticizing yourself, punishing yourself, hating yourself, doubting yourself, not believing in yourself. It isn’t worrying about everything you say and do and it certainly isn’t worrying about everyone else judging you for everything you say and do.
I think we ALL agree that Self-Love is NONE of these things.
How Do You Know What Self-Love Is If You Have Never Felt It Before?
That is the conundrum. Because self-love is a way of being that you can only understand when you have it. Until then it is just 2 words that you can only intellectualize as a concept.
Just like when you enter a dark room you have never seen before – you may have a concept of the room, but you will never really know it’s shape and size until you turn the light on.
Turning The Light On:
First you have to deal with what keeps the light turned off. I’m talking about self-criticism, self-hatred and unworthiness. I see this every day with many of my clients – not out there for all to see, but subtly hidden deep within, where it quietly subverts your every move.
I get goosebumps every time I see someone learning to let go of the criticism and begin to like themselves, and then begin to embrace being compassionate and loving with themselves. Because this is the moment the light turns on and things never look the same again.
“Learning to let go of self-criticism and embrace self- compassion and love will turn on the light of peace, joy and happpiness."
Because this is where peace, joy and happiness come from – from the deep sense of calm that comes from stilling the voice inside, calming the chaos and letting go of the pressure to perform, to achieve, and to live up to exacting expectations and demands.
The Serene Smile of Surrender
The moment someone really gets it - they visibly relax and breath. Their mind goes uneeringly still. Then a smile comes from deep within. I call it the Serene Smile of Surrender. Surrender of the pain and the struggle and the need to rationalize and intellectualize. The Surrender into stillness that comes from finally knowing that you are enough. You are good enough, strong enough, fast enough, passionate enough, clever enough, loving enough, ….. you, yourself, exactly as you are – are completely enough.
“Love is the healing power that takes us back to our innocence. Love is the Journey Home." Louise Hay
The peace that comes with truly knowing that you are enough is simply indescribable - and is the pathway to self-love.
Learning To Love Yourself:
How do you learn to love yourself? The simplest answer is - by changing your thoughts and re-framing how you perceive yourself in this world. Beginning with these 3 steps:
Step One - Stop Judging Yourself
Do you have a harsh inner critic that tells you off and lets you know whenever you do something wrong or you don’t measure up? I’m pretty sure your answer will be yes …… because we all have one – it’s really a matter of how loud, how harsh and how often we hear it. For some it’s very generalized and seems to criticize everything we do – for others it is very specific to certain areas of your life.
The challenge is to recognize your own inner harshness about yourself and begin to question how this is/or isn’t helping you?
Step two - Address the Deeper Beliefs that Drive Your Inner Critic
Where Does Your Inner Critic Come From and What is its purpose?
Fascinatingly, your inner critic almost always wants something positive for you. Most of the time it wants things like happiness, success, joy, fulfilment, fun. But when your inner voice gets mixed up with unhelpful beliefs you hold, then it becomes harsh and judging to try and motivate you - which sometimes works in the short term btw - but it is not the path to true fulfilment.
The challenge is to uncover and change the underlying beliefs that drive your inner critic and stop you from loving yourself.
“Shame is the warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough" Brene Brown
The kind of beliefs we find here are often along the lines of: “You have to push yourself to be successful”, “Life is hard so harden up”, “If I relax I will lose out”, “If I say No, people won’t like me”. And deeper still: “I’m not good enough“, “I’m unworthy of success/love/happiness”, “I’m a fraud, if people knew the real me inside they wouldn’t like me”, “There is something wrong with me”, “I’m broken and can’t be fixed”, “It’s not safe for me to be my true authentic self”.
You will notice that most of these deeper beliefs have an element of shame in them which makes them especially unhelpful.
The work here is to dig deep and discover these underlying beliefs so you can change them. Easier said than done? Not really. The fun thing about working with beliefs is you will always know when you have hit a deep one, because your response will be “well that’s not a belief, because I know it is true”. And yet, if you look at beliefs as merely a thought you keep thinking until it has become intractable - then you can see that changing the thought = changing the belief. AND, there are many fascinating tools to help you do that successfully.
Step Three - Learn To Be Kind To Yourself
Surrendering your inner criticism, letting go of the pressure, and accepting that you are enough is the beginning to opening your heart and soul to the possibilities of loving yourself. Because when you know you are enough, the push and struggle disappears and you instinctively accept that you are worthy and deserving of happiness and joy.
The challenge now is to introduce kindness to your heart and mind. A lovely way to do this is to imagine your inner self as a younger you, wanting and needing love and nurturing.
2 Minute Exercise To love your younger you:
Start by placing your hand on your heart and imagining a younger, smaller you sitting in your heart space, needing your love and attention. Then, with every breath in, imagine giving him/her love in the form of pink energy, flowing through your hands, into your heart space and filling him/her with love.
And as you breath out, tell /him/her kind, loving thoughts. (When you are first learning this it can be challenging to go straight to loving thoughts, so start with kindness and let it flow from there). Reassuring things like “It’s okay, I got you”, “I’m here for you now”, “I’ve got you and we can do this together now”, and gently move through to things like “I love you”, “You are awesome”, “We are amazing”, “Life Loves You”, “God loves you”, “Life is good, Life is kind and we got this”.
Whatever moves you to feel love and kindness for yourself is absolutely perfect.
Repeat as often as you like.
Heartfelt Healing Meditation:
Click on the link to go to a full 25 minute audio experience of Heartful Healing: https://www.elev8me.co.nz/meditations
Resources:
Check out the elev8me fear buster app – it has tracks for “making friends with your inner critic” and “forgiving yourself” and "loving yourself". Download on Apple or Google Play
I highly recommend “Life Loves You” by Louise Hay and Robert Holden – a small concise book that dives into Loving Yourself with grace and humour.
For help in your journey – make an appointment:
#love #loveyourself #selflove #innercritic #beliefs #speakyourtruth #speakfromyourheart #betruetoyou
Great insights - 🙏