If Self-Love is the Key to Everything that is good and healthy in your life - then feeling "not enough" is the greatest barrier.
Sometime, somewhere, on some level, we have all experienced an unhealthy dose of not feeling enough. This feeling of inadequacy can manifest in various ways, affecting our self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being. In this blog, we'll delve into how and why people often don't feel enough, along with five common ways this sentiment presents itself, and how to begin changing and reframing how we see ourselves.
The Seeds of Inadequacy and "Not Being Enough"
The beginnings of not feeling enough often stem from childhood. Children who grow up in environments marked by excessive criticism, overly high expectations, or neglect are more likely to carry feelings of not being good enough into adulthood.
Moreover – in today’s society where the media are constantly bombarding us with unrealistic body types and images, and seemingly unattainable lifestyles, it is almost impossible to avoid feeling like you are not measuring up to these expectations.
The Looking Glass
Sociologist Charles Cooley's “looking-glass self” theory, essentially states that a person develops their self-image based on the perceived responses of others as well as their perception of how others see and judge them. Meaning that we are constantly aware of how we “think” people are reacting to us and how we “think” they are judging us.
"Each to each a looking-glass, Reflects the other that doth pass." Charles Cooley
In NLP we call this mind-reading. I see this a lot in my work – someone will tell me that they walked into a room and they knew everyone was talking about them, or laughing at them, or judging them. Or they said something to their partner and they knew that their partner thought they were being stupid.
The question I like to ask here is – “How do you know?” How do you know someone across the room is talking about you? Or that your partner thought you were being stupid? It is certain that you will have observed a look or a gesture or something similar, but unless you truly are a mind reader – you do not really know what, or even IF they are thinking about you. Understanding this can be transformative.
Five Ways Believing You Are Not Enough Manifests – And How To Change Them
To successfully break-up with those feelings of not being enough, you first need to recognize how this belief impacts your life:
1. Perfectionism and Procrastination
The belief that we are “not enough” often pushes us towards perfectionism or its close companion, procrastination. This is where we set impossibly high standards for ourselves, fearing that achieving anything less than perfection will expose our perceived inadequacies to the world.
The fear of not reaching “perfection” and therefore proving that I am not enough can be so debilitating that it can cause you to delay starting or completing a task, or make you avoid the task all together.
Solutions:
Set Realistic and Achievable Goals. Take some time to identify your personal and professional goals. To help you make sure you set great goals that are realistic and aligned with your values, you will find advice here – Design Your Life Using Great Goals.
Once you have established a goal, break it into smaller, manageable steps or milestones. Focusing on these bite-sized steps will help you overcome procrastination.
Give Yourself Permission to Make Mistakes. Focusing on the concept that mistakes are simply “miss takes” that can be learnt from, and further developed, can be life changing for a procrastinating perfectionist.
Remember that you are “Perfectly Imperfect”. My favourite piece of advice for those driven by perfectionism is to realize that there is no such thing as perfection – and that you, in your own unique way are “perfectly imperfect”.
Celebrate Your Achievements. As you reach your objectives – this will help you to see your progress and feel good about yourself.
“Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.” Brene Brown
2. Seeking External Validation
Seeking validation is rooted in our social nature as humans. We crave acceptance and acknowledgment as it reinforces our sense of belonging and worthiness. However, not feeling enough and questioning your self-worth can make you look for too much validation from outside of yourself. You can begin to rely on other’s approval and praise to affirm your self-worth, constantly seeking reassurance that you measure up.
Unfortunately, such dependence on external validation from someone else actually erodes your self-esteem rather than building it, because it puts your sense of self-worth in the hands of others.
Solutions:
Learn to Cultivate Self-Compassion and Self-Validation. Begin by reflecting on your own values and beliefs – be clear on what is fundamentally important to you.
Celebrate Your Accomplishments. No matter how small, and acknowledge your worth independently of others' opinions.
Practice Self Appreciation. This is not traditionally a part of our Kiwi Culture – tall poppy syndrome and all that – but taking the time to acknowledge your progress, to feel proud of your efforts, to like who you are, is all done within the privacy of your own mind and is an essential part of feeling enough.
Surround Yourself With Supportive Individuals - who appreciate you for who you are, not what you do.
"The freedom to be yourself is a gift only you can give yourself. But once you do, no one can take it away." Doe Zantamata
3. Negative Self-Talk and Self-Criticism
The belief of not being enough often manifests as a harsh inner critic – that voice inside your head that tells you off, berates you and points out all your short comings and mistakes.
It is my experience, that for most people, their inner critic actually wants something positive – pushing you to succeed, to achieve, to focus. So often the intention is good – but the delivery leaves a lot to be desired and instead creates self-doubt and feelings of not enough.
Solutions:
Keep a Journal. to track instances of negative self-talk and self-criticism. Whenever you catch yourself engaging in these patterns, write them down. Then challenge and reframe these thoughts with more balanced and constructive ones.
Make Friends With Your Inner Critic. Making friends with your inner critic is a powerful way to begin to change harsh inner thoughts and begin to achieve more of the desired outcomes.
Click the button to listen to “Making Friends with your inner critic” audio. Or download the Elev8me fearbuster app and listen there.
4. Neglecting Self Care
Modern life can be hectic, and the pressure to meet all our obligations can make self-care seem like a luxury. We may also feel guilty about taking time for ourselves when there are so many external demands.
But, when we prioritize the demands of work, responsibilities, or the needs of others over our own well-being, we risk burnout and a decline in self-worth.
Solutions:
Set Boundaries To Protect Your Time And Energy. Then communicate your boundaries clearly. Say No when necessary. Remember that saying yes to someone else when you don’t want to – is saying NO to yourself and your own selfcare.
Prioritize Self-Care As An Essential Part Of Your Routine. Write a list of things that are good for your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. Make it things that you know are good for you – like healthy nutrition, exercise, meditation – as well as things that you enjoy and lift your spirits – like music, reading, gardening, socializing. It doesn’t matter what it is, just make a list using those four categories for your health and wellbeing. Prioritize Doing Something From Your List Every Day. Start small with just doing one thing a day. Then gently expand until you are doing one thing from each category every day. For more check out: How To Activate Your Self Care Plan
5. Getting Lost In Social Media
In the age of social media, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to the carefully curated lives of others. Scrolling through picture-perfect snapshots of other’s achievements, happiness, and possessions, all the while internalizing a sense of inferiority.
Solutions:
Practice mindful awareness and self-compassion. When you catch yourself comparing and feeling inadequate, remind yourself that social media often showcases a selective, idealized view of life. In truth, you have no idea how anyone on Social Media really feels. You are seeing 1% of their real lives. For all you know, they could spend each night crying into their pillow alone and afraid. Social Media is not life!
Stop. If social media does not lift you up, give you a laugh and make you feel good – then stop. Take a break and focus on something else for a bit. I know – easier said than done – that social media rabbit hole is an addictive one. But it’s time to be kind to yourself and do what feels good.
Reclaiming Your Self Worth
The feeling of not being "enough" is a huge issue in today's society, often stemming not only from childhood experiences, but also from external influences and unrealistic expectations.
By recognizing these common challenges and applying practical solutions, you can begin to break free from the "not enough" mindset and develop a healthier sense of self-worth.
Understanding that you are inherently valuable just as you are, and developing your own sense of self worth and self acceptance is truly a journey you are worthy of embarking on. None of these steps are particularly easy, but you will find that each one is rewarding in itself.
Enjoy.
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